Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
