you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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