Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
