I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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