I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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