Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
