It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
