Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
