My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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