Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
