I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
time to smoke my breakfast
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
