I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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