Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
