remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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