Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
