maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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