I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize