No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
