Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
