So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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