you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
