we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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