shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
