saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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