I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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