You smell like a Billy Joel song
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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