That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
