The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
