i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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