I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
