Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
