Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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