You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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