allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize