I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
