Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
