I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
