I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
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