There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize