Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
