I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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