I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize