its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
my liver is dry heaving
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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