I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
