Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
