Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
