life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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