Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize