I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
