half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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