Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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