So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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