i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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