11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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