Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
