Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Still dying that you shit outside
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
