don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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