I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
