a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
