these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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