I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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